So last night I finished work about an hour earlier than usual. But heaven forbid I should ever gain an extra hours sleep, so as I pulled up to the gas station in a tired daze, I stepped out of my vehicle and proceeded to lock, then close my doors. Obviously not realising my keys were dangling in the ignition.
SO… I have put together this handy list that will A) Help you remain sane, B) Assist you in destroying boredom, and C) help increase your chances of avoiding this situation altogether should the events that i encountered ever happen to you.
Now I must admit, whilst formulating this list, I realised a lot of the things on here are quite specific to the situation I got myself into. So perhaps a slight adjustment of the title is necessary. Let’s try:
15 THINGS YOU TOO CAN DO WHEN YOU LOCK YOUR KEYS IN THE CAR AT SHELL GREENLANE ON EASTER WEEKEND AT 11PM AT NIGHT AND YOU HAVE TO WAIT AGES FOR THE SPARE KEY SO YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO KILL.
LET US BEGIN:
- Don’t Panic.
This is helpful. Mainly because panicking wastes time, and time is battery life.
- Assess the situation.
This is obviously vital, as there is no point in calling for help until you have gathered the statistics.
Things to note include:
- Have you left any of the doors open? (This includes the boot on hatchbacks. 9 out of 10 times I pop the petrol cap on my car I accidentally open the boot. If this was one of those 10 times this whole situation could have been avoided.
-Check if your lights are on. When your lights are on it will only take about 20 minutes before you lose the ability to start her up without jumper cables. My lights were on.
-What is the time? Will calling someone to help you cause more trouble than joining the AA be worth? This is a rarity. Calling the AA is just goddamn frustrating and will take 4 times longer than they tell you it will regardless.
- Make the call.
A good place to start is a spare key. If one of these is at home, get someone to bring it to you. If not… Well I have no idea. I had a spare key at home. It was just going to take about 45 minutes to get to me.
- Attempt conversation with the staff.
It is important to kill time. Nothing will destroy you more than boredom. Sometimes it is difficult to talk to the staff. Well for me it was difficult. The staff member was clearly more contempt with stocking shelves than having conversation. He wasn’t even remotely entertained by my situation. Regardless of their talkitivity, you want to let them know what’s going down and earn their trust. You dont want to be leaving your keys in the ignition of a locked car and gapping it. Thats just asking for a break in. He said he would watch the car while I went accross the road.
- Go to McDonalds.
Let the fun begin my friends. You have to realise you are at Greenlane McDee’s baby. That place is a round the clock, 24 hour party central. It’s usually full of stoners, 13 year olds who have snuck out, large groups of Asian people who look like they are having a business meeting and old dudes rocking shorts and Hawaiian shirts. AND THEY EVEN HAVE FREE WIFI. So iPhone PARTY PARTY. Get on the googles. Learn something if you like.
- Order food.
Rule number 1 of ordering a cheeseburger at McDonalds… Asked for Steamed Buns. This is a little secret few people know about, but goddamn its amazing. There is no way to describe it. Just ask.
- Have a boogie.
Last night’s playlist consisted of some CLASSIC dance tunes such as A-Ha’s “Take On Me” and other wonderful hits. An all out rave may be a bit hard out. But a bit of casual sitting dance moves can result in a fun time whilst undetected as a wierdo.
- Get a Sundae
Being late at night, and in reality, the staff on that time of night are shit… chances are you don’t get a choice of flavour. So take whatever comes and deal with it. What a deliciously disgusting treat. Remember flirting gets you everywhere. And by everywhere I mean more topping. Sometimes. This failed for me. I think I probably got less because the dude serving thought i was a creep.
- Call your friends.
My situation was taking place on a Sunday. Thanks to Vodafone I have millions of free minutes to use on the weekend. Nobody hates you calling them at 11pm telling them how much you suck at life. In fact really good friends actually call you to check you are ok and offer help. But don’t worry guys! I’ve got this. Just know I’m there if you ever need me now though!
- Walk back to Shell.
You can’t spend your entire night at McDonalds. If you do, you are probably too young to do anything fun, and its your only option, if this is the case I am concerned you are reading my Tumblr. Please divert. Thanks. I would have avoided McDonalds altogether and gone to the supermarket if it was an option, but it wasn’t. Easter means everything is closed. THANKS JE-SUS.
- Re-attempt conversation with the staff.
This yet again failed for me. But I thought it was worth a shot. All I had to lose was my dignity.
- Wash your car!
Resources are limited late at night. You are usually down to just one window brush and one watering can thanks to the local riff-raff stealing the brushes to make some cents in the morning doing your windows. So if anyone approaches your brush, GLARE at them and grab it. Start with the windows, then give your entire car a decent soap up. This worked out great. Easily killed 15 minutes. I then rinsed the car using the watering can and she was looking like a little locked up beauty in what felt like no time at all.
- Assist others.
You too can give back to the local community by helping them with their gas pumping and window washing. Washing their whole car may be a bit much for them to handle, but offering to hang up the nozzle when it’s finished pumping, and washing their windows for them can’t hurt. I mean if you explain your situation you even get people asking “Oh, are you alright? Do you need a lift somewhere?” Lovely people of Greenlane. You are too kind. But I’m really fine. I don’t need your assistance. My friends have got my back.
- Jump start it!
FINALLY your spare key arrives. But just a little too late for there to be enough battery remaining to start the engine. So if you are prepared from step 2, you will no doubt have some JUMPER CABLES. Bust them out. Start her up, and you are good to go. If not… well lets not let that get to be an option. You have read this now. There is no excuse.
- Learn a lesson.
All this is pointless if you walk out of it with nothing. So make sure you learn something. Learn two things even. Lets recap…
What have we learnt?
I guess the moral of the story is Don’t leave your keys in the ignition and lock the car doors. But we can also pay attention to some of the things learnt by this journey in itself. Things like: Shops are closed on Easter Sunday. There’s few options for a McDonalds Sundae. It’s never too cold to wear shorts, Hawaiian shirts and no shoes. Steamed buns are delicious. RiffRaff steal squeegees. Shell Staff aren’t talkative. Batterys go flat. Sleep is vital. And finally, get yourself a godamn spare key and keep it closer to where you plan on locking yourself out. I may even hide one somewhere on my car. Probably won’t. But I should. This actually is more than a once off occurrence.
I hope your life is somehow better for having read this.
Yours,
James.
